For the Man With A Plan #3: What Women Want: The Beginning
Whoa Mama. I have really bitten off more than I can chew this time.
I am either incredibly brave, or stupidly naïve, for wading into this swamp without alligator proof waders, but wade I must. For all of us.
Fuck it, worst case scenario I lose a limb… Meh, I think it's worth the risk.
So…here we are gentlemen. On the precipice of something incredible perhaps? I like to think so. For if you are reading this, you have taken the next little step in wanting to know what makes us tick, what makes us WANT you, you are...curious. Sceptical perhaps too, sure, that’s natural and totally okay, but even a little part of you wants to know…what do THEY want, these womenfolk?
What I know more than anything is this: if you are here, if you got this far, more than a little part of you wants to be the man to provide it (by it I mean all the goods) to us, I can feel it.
We know you want to know what we want because who out there doesn't want intimate relating, wild sex and mind-blowing connection with the women in their life? Uh. No one. No one doesn't want that. Or if you don't, okay, no judging, but jog on mate.
So what the hell do us fine ladies really want? The hell if you know right? Well, I think you know more than you think you do. Having said that, this is a legit chain of inquiry from any man. And any woman that shoots you down for asking it, is in fact, shooting herself in the foot and no friend of mine. Ask away, that's what we're here for!
For here’s the little secret we somehow don’t seem to want to acknowledge very often…we are DIFFERENT from you.
In the shock reveal of the year, men and women are inherently, yet also magically, different. Who knew? But here’s the real shocker lovers: that fact is one of the most under-celebrated stop-my-heart deliciously beautiful facts on the planet. For in the differences lies the capacity for something extraordinary; a meeting of the minds, hearts and souls that is not predicated on being the same. Revelling in the differences, by wanting to explore them, push the boundaries of our understanding, we can, together, CREATE SOMETHING WONDERFUL with that.
So, you wanna know what women want? Do you? Fabulous, because I’m about to tell you. I don’t purport to speak for all women, but I can speak for myself and you better believe I am absolutely clear on what I want.
It took me years of understanding my own value, and building that back up from nothing, to truly understand what I desired from men. I have also spent a lot of time with women over the years as you can imagine, many hours/days/weeks/months whiled away talking about exactly what they want from men, what this question means for them, so sure, I am not delivering the Magna Fucking Carta on what women want, but god damn it if I am not going to give it a red hot crack and start in the only place I know: The Beginning.
Onwards, fearless men folk…together we go bravely forward.
Here they are, my 3 never fail, do this if nothing else, please give me this plea from us ladies to you gentlemen, the Miss Cook & Co Wishlist of What Women Want:
1. Presence
2. Honesty
3. Safety.
Get these 3 right, or even TRY to get this right, even one as a start, and you will see a whole new woman start to unfold before your eyes. Even if you are already doing these things, go deeper, push further, this work is infinite and endless and with practice just gets better and better and better in ways you cannot even imagine right now.
For many of us, women or men, would not have a clue what these things actually mean, and how they work in real life. We're all flying blind, until we're not, so let’s dive in and explore them together.
As a baby step, I recommend telling your lady, your woman, your lover, that you are going to try and work on these things, and also ask her how you can bring this to her, in a way that works for her. I also note that you DO NOT have to be in a committed relationship to lay these at the feet of the women in your life. This applies to casual f*ck-buddies as much as it applies to wives and girlfriends. The application for these 3 things is so incredibly wide, I can only encourage you to try it in different aspects of your life and see what it yields. Your Mama would be proud.
1. PRESENCE
We want, we crave, we silently in the night pray to anything that resembles something holy, to have your presence. When you are with us, that’s what we want. All of it, sparing nothing. By presence, I clearly do not mean merely the physical act of simply being in the room with your woman, or any woman, I mean giving to her of your emotional presence, your energetic presence (don’t roll your eyes, stay with me), your soulful presence.
Bringing your whole self to her. Men, when present in their whole selves, are like mountains, in the way that women, present in their whole selves, are like rivers. While we are fluid and mould to many things around us, flowing and liquid, from you, what we seek, and what we would walk over hot coals for, is your stability, your steadfastness, your unflinching gaze and attention. The Yang to our Yin. The Man Mountain. Solid as…a rock. Obviously, a rock.
We want YOU. Don’t underestimate our need for this. We want to be with you, listen to you, look into your eyes, to feel into you and have your feel into us, listen to us, C.O.N.N.E.C.T with us, to the exclusion of all else that may be going on in the moment/the hour/the day. I know, I know, we are all busy, and we also know we ask you to shoulder your share, I get it, but this is something every woman needs to feel from her man. It’s not a negotiable if you want to really connect with her.
Look at her. Really look at her. Look beyond the physical and see if you can really see what’s going on beneath the surface. What specifically I mean by this is: eyes, ears and heart on her (maybe also hands – this is optional – although I personally am a fan of physical contact). It’s free fellas. Watch her light up when you do this, you are mainlining her need to be seen, witnessed and observed. Women are deeply aroused by a man’s full blown energy and attention. Bring it to her with humility and sincerity and watch her come alive.
2. HONESTY
This is not the kind of honesty that relates to a stupid validation seeking question like “does my ass look fat in this?”. That is a loaded statement ending in a question mark masquerading as external validation of her fears. Not that. God, not that.
I mean transparency. I mean trusting loving truth. I mean having the courage to say something that runs, sometimes, contrary to your own personal interests. Being real when you are asked for your feelings, your opinion, your beliefs. Humans are predisposed to want to avoid conflict. If I had a dollar for every time I asked a man a direct question, and I got, not so much a lie, as a variation of the truth that they thought would please me, placate me or get him what he wanted, I would be….at least $1000 richer. This is not because all men are liars, or you don’t want to tell the truth, I believe most of you absolutely want to be honest. For the primary reason, it’s easier, and you boys love a bit of simplicity.
I speak for myself when I say, I did not always make it easy for the men in my life to be honest. So, where are we in this then? Tell us anyway. This may require some bravery, and a little bit of set-up, on your part, but it will be absolutely worth it.
How you say what is true for you is obviously important.
I recommend going in with both an open mind and open heart, and never ever uttering these words: “You make me feel….(insert emotion that you are conveniently making your girl responsible for)…”. That sir, is a bad plan.
What is a better plan is something to the effect of "when this happens in our relationship/in bed/when you speak that way in front of my mum, I feel (insert the actual FEELING)".
Yes, these moments are not always going to be joy-filled clarity points in your relationship BUT what being fearless in this way does do is two-fold:
(a) it creates an understanding that your relationship is so valuable as to be worthy of being uncomfortable to ensure it’s the best it can be, and
(b) it creates an atmosphere of trust and safety that honesty is present.
See point 3 below: for women SAFETY IS EVERYTHING. Ask any woman who is worth her salt and is self-aware, she will tell you that without safety, her love, her heart and indeed her pussy is not going anywhere.
3. MAKING HER FEEL SAFE
If you have ever read anything about what I, or indeed probably millions of other people (men and women), have written about women in relationships, SAFETY IS THE KEY to get her to open wide, soften and trust…and LET GO FULLY.
This means emotionally, sexually, energetically…in all the ways. Allowing her the space to bring whatever she has in her on that day to Have you ever seen a woman, or your woman, let go completely? I am not sure many people have? Including the women out there. This doesn't mean losing the plot, this means a full expression of yourself at your most raw and vulnerable.
You may think you have, and perhaps that's true, but assuming it's not for the sake of a fun experiment, invite her to open further, by asking her what you can do to make her feel safe and secure.
Yes, allowing for someone to feel safe takes time, patience and persistence, but the payoff is oh so good. You know it, in your soul you know it, so I am not going to labour this point. Do everything you can to ensure that she understands that whatever she brings to you, her emotions, her pain, her love, her lust…the list goes on…is welcome with you.
The key to this is assuring her, by actions and words that NOTHING will be shamed or turned away for being “too much” or “not enough”. We are, by nature and by human design, creatures that bring more (typically), we bring a full range of emotions and actions into our personal spaces. This makes us feel very vulnerable when we show them to you. Anything you can do to ensure that your woman knows that you are a steady and safe pair of hands for her to rest and relax into, will be not just incredibly appreciated, but also handsomely rewarded in her unfolding.
This, combined with honesty and presence is powderkeg worthy material for improving your relationships with women.
Light that shit up boys, and the ladies, yes, us ladies, will open into things you cannot even imagine.
Although, for the purposes of this exercise, I would really like to see you set that imingation free, if only just for a hot wild minute ;-)
To be continued…this is only…The Beginning.
All my love always.
Miss Cook xoxo